THINGS I'VE LEARNED ALONG THE WAY

We're all on a learning curve, from the time we're born till we finally give up this life.

You'll recognize all the ordinary, expected, ways we've progressed--learning to ride a bike, reading for the first time, winning (or losing) a ball game because of an error we made. You can make your own list of high (or low) points.

Today I want to pull out a few memories and examine what I've learned. Such as:

• what to do about the "self-critic" that rides on my shoulder
• how to deal with perfectionism
• failure
• joy
• self-care

That critic that sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear that I'm wasting my time (no matter what I'm trying to accomplish) has ruined many a project. Doesn't matter what it is--art, music, crafts, fiber arts, sometimes even finishing my college degree. 

Then there was perfectionism--a trait I took on pretty early in my life as a way to "earn" my parents' approval. Huge mistake--it never worked. And if I ever did become "perfect" (by someone's standards) there was always the risk of having it fall through.

Which leads to failure. If I was going to be perfect, then I had no option but to make sure I never, ever, failed. You can imagine how that played out.

Somewhere along the line I found joy--and it came with all those projects my self-critic said I couldn't do. But I persevered, and even when what I tried didn't work out, I said, okay, I learned something about that. And I'd had a good time--a joyful time.

The first four categories are about ways we live our lives. In the end, they add up to how we care for ourselves. 

-----

Here are some of the lessons I learned:

• I had to embrace "good enough" and let my self-critic go off and pout in a corner.
• I had to let go of the competitive spirit that said I had to be perfect--or another way of putting it, being better than everybody else. (How ugly is that?)
• I had to see failure as an opportunity to learn/grow/see or do something in a new way.
• I had to welcome joy into my life--knowing there was never going to be the ideal, or perfect answer or way to live; but there was going to be a life worth living.
• I learned that self-care isn't the same as selfishness. Self-care is knowing myself well enough to figure out what I'm doing that keeps my mind and body happy and working well, and equally, figuring out what is toxic to good mental and physical health.

Best of all, it's never too late to learn more about how to take care of yourself; by doing so, you will have a self to give to others.

-----

Besides all the big categories discussed above, I learned lots of things to add to my life--country-western line dancing; knitting and sewing large projects; cooking gluten-free; yoga; tai chi; living alone and doing all my own yard work, house work, and getting maintenance for house, yard, and vehicle. I wrote novels and short stories (but not for publication). I started this blog. I worked in a law office for 30 years.

Sounds as if I found the magic formula, doesn't it? Sorry, there is no magic formula. There is only keeping on, continuing to learn, to try new things.

Mostly, what I've learned "along the way," is to do what I can to help others; to be kind, or (as someone is quoted as saying) if I can't be kind, to be kind-er. I wish you joy in your journey.

Blessings,

Thursday's Child

  VALENTINE'S DAY - 2026 

[This post has appeared from time to time--and I can't think of one thing to add!]

VALENTINE’S DAY AND THOUGHTS ON LOVE

W

hether it was a little candy heart that said “I LUV U” or a big box of chocolates, Valentine’s Day comes with memories and smiles.

Here are some quotations I came across. Hope you find something to touch your heart on this day we celebrate Love.

Love is a friendship set to music.

Joseph Campbell

The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention.

When mindfulness embraces those we love,

they will bloom like flowers.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without

and know we cannot live within.

James Baldwin

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply,

without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know

any other way of loving but this,

in which there is no I or you, so intimate that

your hand upon my chest is my hand,

so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.

Pablo Neruda

love is the voice under all silences,

the hope which has no opposite in fear,

the strength so strong mere force is feebleness:

the truth more first than sun,

more last than star . . .

e e cummings

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep

because reality is finally better than

your dreams.

Dr. Seuss

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

..............

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.

But the greatest of these is love.

I Corinthians 13:4-13

Happy Valentine's Day!



from Thursday's Child

 THE VOICE OF AUTHORITY

[Quilters are advised: If Life gives you scraps, make quilts. Other folks prefer to squeeze lemonade from the lemons Life throws at them. Following are a few thoughts on Authority and different kinds of advice. This post appeared several years ago. What Life threw at me recently was snow, rain, freezing rain, sleet, and low temps. You really don't want to hear about that.]

If there were only one Voice of Authority, life would be a lot simpler. 

Instead, Authority is one of those concepts that varies from person to person. Not only does the definition change, but the spin each of us puts on what Authority says/advises/demands comes out of our own lives and experiences.

I'll start the ball rolling with my own spin--that ought to get your editorial juices flowing.

In my long life I've encountered three distinct types of advice from Authority:

1. Parental Guidance
2. Well-Meaning Advice, or One Size Fits Most
3. Self-Serving Advice

-----
When I was growing up, it was natural to hear words of wisdom or suggestions about behavior from my parents. The two things I remember most are these:

Mom: Put yourself in the other person's place.
Dad:  Don't get too close to people, you'll only get hurt.

Mom's advice always stayed with me. When I was critical of someone, or their words hurt me, I tried to put myself in that person's place--find out what lay behind the unkindness; and if I couldn't discern it correctly, I looked at several possible reasons. I still do that to this day, and I find it makes my life a happier place to inhabit.

Dad's advice has, alas, also stayed with me. It isn't quite the antithesis of Mom's advice, but it definitely puts a barrier between me and others. What I've learned on my own is that I'm always going to get hurt--by someone, by something, by matters outside my control. The getting hurt part isn't the issue; what I do with the hurt, or about it, is.

-----
A kid hears lots of advice--besides parents, there are extended family members (older siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins), neighbors, friends of the family who feel they have a right to tell a kid what to do or not do. 

I call this kind of advice "One Size Fits Most." Examples: Work hard. Practice. Do your best. (And to little girls, Act like a lady.) Always be on time. Think of others. 

Now I'm not against working for one's goals, practicing the oboe/soccer/knitting/cursive writing, or doing one's best. They're all positive actions. Sometimes, though, those pieces of advice come at a time when a young person is vulnerable--tries too hard; breaks down; wears out too soon. And let's face it--sometimes we just can't be on time, or thinking of others means neglecting the self we're given that needs nourishing to be a positive force in the world.

As for acting like a lady--my all-time favorite coffee mug reads: "Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History." Enough said.

-----
Self-Serving advice was another Voice from childhood. It said, Behave. Be quiet; speak only if you're spoken to. Don't go any place you'll be embarrassed to be seen.

Lots of negatives in that short and un-sweet list. Not bad advice, per se, but look at the emphasis: Each one isn't about what might happen to me, the advisee, but about what reflects back on the advisor. Hmm.

The same messages can be turned into positive statements. Or, they can be the springboards for a discussion with the young person.

-----
My last type of advice: Advice to Self. Or, Learning from Our Experiences.

We encounter all types of messages from others: positive, negative; practical, impractical. What we seize on comes out of our leaning--our own way of dealing with the world--and is likely based on our experiences.

My Note to Self: Beware of giving Unasked-for Advice! (There's already plenty of that around.)

I'll leave the final bit of advice to the late Rev. Frederick Buechner:

Blessings,

Thursday's Child