THE BIG GO-TO

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about Favorite Things. This go-to thing is along those lines, but then again, sort of not.

Like Favorite Things, Go-To's have categories. Such as:

--If I don't feel like cooking, a frozen pot pie is my go-to meal.
--During these days of 'way-too-cold-below-zero, my go-to outfit is heavy sweats, heavy socks, and a scarf around my neck--and that's just for in the house.

Then there are preferences for entertainment:

--Go-To movie/video when I don't want to think (something I've seen dozens of times)
--Go-To book when "I have nothing to read" (happens all the time)

The thing about Go-To's is that they can be fickle-what satisfied me last time doesn't register on any scale this time. They're not favorites that will be hunted out because nothing else will do. You could say, a Go-To is a favorite du jour.

The basic characteristic of the Go-To, in my experience, is that it's comfortable. We don't have to think, we search for the thing that satisfies us, and we're in business.

It occurs to me that this is a very close cousin to "settling"--for a lifestyle, a way of thinking or being. We give up our right to choose in favor of accepting the least complicated thing. Somehow, that doesn't appeal to me. What if I miss something that might bring me great joy? What if I settle for the comfortable, and discover later I could have had a new and vibrant way of seeing life for what it is?


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So what does it mean to make the effort to choose what's not so near at hand, so easy to find, so comfortable?

I think this is where we get into Outside Your Comfort Zone country. And that's not a place I want to explore today. But I'll keep working on it and one day . . . .

In the meantime, I'm making a bargain with myself--I'll make at least one decision each day that doesn't involve the easiest, laziest, most thoughtless way to live. What will I receive? Who knows? That's the exciting part.

Starting small is good. In no time at all I may be making two decisions each day!

Have a blessed week!

THE VOICE OF AUTHORITY

[Quilters are advised: If Life gives you scraps, make quilts. Other folks prefer to squeeze lemonade from the lemons Life throws at them. Following are a few thoughts on Authority and different kinds of advice. This post appeared a couple of years ago. What Life threw at me this past week was snow, rain, freezing rain, sleet, and low temps. You really don't want to hear about that.]

If there were only one Voice of Authority, life would be a lot simpler. 

Instead, Authority is one of those concepts that varies from person to person. Not only does the definition change, but the spin each of us puts on what Authority says/advises/demands comes out of our own lives and experiences.

I'll start the ball rolling with my own spin--that ought to get your editorial juices flowing.

In my long life I've encountered three distinct types of advice from Authority:

1. Parental Guidance
2. Well-Meaning Advice, or One Size Fits Most
3. Self-Serving Advice

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When I was growing up, it was natural to hear words of wisdom or suggestions about behavior from my parents. The two things I remember most are these:

Mom: Put yourself in the other person's place.
Dad:  Don't get too close to people, you'll only get hurt.

Mom's advice always stayed with me. When I was critical of someone, or their words hurt me, I tried to put myself in that person's place--find out what lay behind the unkindness; and if I couldn't discern it correctly, I looked at several possible reasons. I still do that to this day, and I find it makes my life a happier place to inhabit.

Dad's advice has, alas, also stayed with me. It isn't quite the antithesis of Mom's advice, but it definitely puts a barrier between me and others. What I've learned on my own is that I'm always going to get hurt--by someone, by something, by matters outside my control. The getting hurt part isn't the issue; what I do with the hurt, or about it, is.

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A kid hears lots of advice--besides parents, there are extended family members (older siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins), neighbors, friends of the family who feel they have a right to tell a kid what to do or not do. 

I call this kind of advice "One Size Fits Most." Examples: Work hard. Practice. Do your best. (And to little girls, Act like a lady.) Always be on time. Think of others. 

Now I'm not against working for one's goals, practicing the oboe/soccer/knitting/cursive writing, or doing one's best. They're all positive actions. Sometimes, though, those pieces of advice come at a time when a young person is vulnerable--tries too hard; breaks down; wears out too soon. And let's face it--sometimes we just can't be on time, or thinking of others means neglecting the self we're given that needs nourishing to be a positive force in the world.

As for acting like a lady--my all-time favorite coffee mug reads: "Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History." Enough said.

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Self-Serving advice was another Voice from childhood. It said, Behave. Be quiet; speak only if you're spoken to. Don't go any place you'll be embarrassed to be seen.

Lots of negatives in that short and un-sweet list. Not bad advice, per se, but look at the emphasis: Each one isn't about what might happen to me, the advisee, but about what reflects back on the advisor. Hmm.

The same messages can be turned into positive statements. Or, they can be the springboards for a discussion with the young person.

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My last type of advice: Advice to Self. Or, Learning from Our Experiences.

We encounter all types of messages from others: positive, negative; practical, impractical. What we seize on comes out of our leaning--our own way of dealing with the world--and is likely based on our experiences.

My Note to Self: Beware of giving Unasked-for Advice! (There's already plenty of that around.)

FAVORITE THINGS....

I looked up favorite and discovered that it's possible to have more than one favorite thing! How wonderful is that?

1--One that is treated or regarded with special favor or liking:
     That song is my favorite.

     Especially--a person who is specially loved, trusted, or provided with
       favors by someone of high rank or authority:
     The king granted the land to two of his favorites.

2--A competitor judged most likely to win:
     Which horse is the favorite in this race?

And we all know about adding websites to our list of favorites--a/k/a bookmarks.

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Today I'm looking at definition #1--my own special likings. No particular order; just because a group is labeled second or third doesn't mean it is of lesser value.

First--Things that Make Me Smile
   The word Bookstore on a sign. . . or Library
   Puppies (I love L L Bean catalogs!)
   New fabric for making things

Second--Things that Give Me Comfort
   Food--mashed potatoes, homemade soup, brownies,
     tacos, pizza
   Warm clothes in winter; cool clothes in hot weather
   Quilts made by hand (mine or someone else's)

Third--Things that Bring Me Peace
   A new book by a favorite author
   A letter from my child or a friend
   A dependable vehicle

Fourth--Things that Make Me Get up in the Morning
   The smell of coffee brewing
   A project I want to continue or finish
   Appointments I want to keep

Fifth--Things I Can't Imagine Living Without
   Music
   My own home
   A church I belong to



 
Make your own list--you may surprise yourself what you really, really, really like a whole lot.

I discovered that my list of favorites is never-ending. I could go on and on and on.............

But I won't! Have a blessed week!

WORD(S) TO LIVE BY

Have you discovered your Word, or Words, for 2019?

A few years back, a new tradition came into being: Choose a word that expresses what you want to do or be or achieve, or reminds you of something you need for your well-being.

I've blogged about Heather Lende's Find the Good, a book about a difficult time in her life that turned out better than she could have expected, partly because of a loving and caring community that supported her and her family and partly because a friend challenged her to sum up a philosophy she would give her children, in three words. Three words!

Now three words seem inadequate to this writer who is used to penning 300 words to explore a topic--and that's not even in depth; more like, an extended intro to the idea, with a few examples to keep the reader's eyes from drifting shut. (You know who you are....)

But after I read Heather Lende's book, I accepted the challenge. Sometimes I came up with four words; sometimes I needed only one. Peace was my word one year. Accept worked for another year. And I often found myself quoting Heather's book title--Find the Good--because it helped me get through whatever bog I found myself floundering around in.

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Sometimes my word or phrase is handed to me. Like this year.

In his Christmas Day sermon, our priest said, "God breaks into our lives in unexpected ways." (Paraphrased--I can't find my bulletin where I wrote it.)

A few days later, the word unexpected showed up again, probably in a conversation that I don't recall now. 

And in a book of quotations I got from my Ohio daughter, I found this by C. S. Lewis:

     When we lose one blessing,
     another is often most unexpectedly
     given in its place.

Enough already--I'll use the word unexpected.

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I have to confess, I have a hang-up here. You know what the synonyms are for unexpected?

   unforeseen, unanticipated, unpredicted, not bargained for,
   unlooked for, unhoped for, out of the blue, without warning,
   without notice

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Yesterday morning I actually woke up before the alarm. Checked that I was awake, mostly alert. Did a few stretches to help with emerging from my covers. Yawned a few times. All the usual. Went to the kitchen to turn on the coffee maker and looked out the window. Wow! Snow!! Not a lot, but mostly the lawns and street and roofs were covered in white stuff. Real snow! And it was still coming down..................

Unexpected? Yes, indeed! Nothing about snow in the forecast when I went to bed. It was entirely without notice, unpredicted.

A surprise, yes? But this time was different--I loved the surprise of snow that morning. We'd been having temps in the 40s and 50s, off and on through December and into January. That warmth felt unnatural, as if we weren't going to have winter after all. Yesterday's white landscape felt just right. January 8th, snow.

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I'm going to try that embracing stuff, see if I can incorporate the unexpected, whatever it is, into my life. What's the sense of worrying about what's going to happen? How much energy does it take to think of all the bad stuff that could happen in any situation--and then none of it does, and all that energy was wasted?

Do I have to be happy about everything that comes my way? No, some of it isn't the stuff of happiness, contentment, or joy. Death of a long-time church member, recently diagnosed brain tumor in a friend's relative, retirement of a person we've had serve us for years . . . . 

We try to focus on the positive response--but that's not always possible. Assimilating these events into our lives may be the only thing we can do; and from that point, there's the possibility we can learn another life lesson.

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Embrace the Unexpected.
I'll work on that.

All your words are in
this set of blocks!

IS IT REALLY NEW?

Today is January 3rd, so we've started another calendar page; in fact, a whole new calendar.

Is it really new? Be honest--are you making radical changes in your life? In your goals? In your home/job/family/activities?

So what's really new about this year we're now calling 2019?

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Many years ago, probably 20 or more, I was introduced to the idea of "living intentionally." This was a new way of looking at my life--and it opened up for me the act of choosing, of acting, instead of having things chosen for me, of being acted upon.

Three years ago I blogged about New Year's Intentions--some people call them resolutions, others use the word goals.

The tradition of choosing those intentions or resolutions or goals centers around January 1st, when we enter into a new year. But it doesn't harm me if I change my intentions partway through the calendar's page-turning. 

Trying a new intention--let's say, learning to play tennis--might turn out to be the worst possible choice I could make. In a few lessons I will no doubt learn that my ankles are weak (always have been), I can't move fast enough to return the serve (moving fast went away some years back), and my forehand is inhibited by tendinitis and arthritis in my right (dominant) arm. 

Those physical limitations don't prohibit me from learning about tennis, watching it in the Olympic games and tournaments, even, perhaps, writing about it, once I understand what I'm talking about.

The lesson for me is this: Just because I say I want to do something, to accomplish a goal, to dedicate my life to X, Y, or Z, doesn't mean it will be possible. But a modification of the goal, a change in perception, may work to my advantage. I'll still have weak ankles, but I can appreciate the agility and beauty of movement of the Olympic stars.

And a corollary to that lesson goes like this: If I don't live intentionally, I'll drift; so I better think about what intentions would be good to cultivate.

For me, those intentions run along certain lines, such as:

--finding ways to help others when I can
--being alert to possibilities for serving 
--examining my life--Am I kind to others? Do I forgive easily? Do I show I care?
--listening more, talking less
--praying more
--being open to new ideas, new ways of doing things

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I don't have any sage (or otherwise) advice for you. But I will share this: Part of the joy of setting those intentions or goals comes during the journey, the searching for what fulfills your idea of yourself and what you want your life to look like.

Just remember--none of our thoughts and actions and intentions are set in stone. If a re-think shows you a better way, give it a whirl.

Wishing you a happy 2019--healthy, full of abundance and joy, and alive with whatever is new for you!